Coping with a loss

A man on a forum I frequently post on asked, how to cope with the loss of a loved one. It reminds me that I never wrote about any of the people in my life who have passed away. Here are some thoughts:

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Coping with the loss of a loved one can be tough.

Some stories from my life. I think I've managed to cope very well and bring closure but I also think I've been very fortunate in this regard as you may see when reading this.

I should start by saying, as an atheist I don't believe in an afterlife. As a result, I don't believe people have gone to a better place but I do believe suffering can come to an end which is a good thing, of course. Also, all of the people in my life who have passed away have been older and have lived full, exciting and wonderful lives. I look at those people's passing as a transition and seeing them die, while very very sad, was not a tragedy. I don't honestly know how I would deal with the death of a small child.

Years ago, I was talking to my grandmother on the phone while she was in the hospital. She had been in for a few weeks and it was too far for me to drive just to visit so I called. Also, she was in the hospital for something non-terminal so we had no reason to expect her to die and yet, a week later, she had passed away from complications. I remember quite fondly that conversation we had on the 'phone 'cause we talked about everything for a couple of hours.

When I went to her funeral, I refused to view her body in the casket. That wasn't the memory I wanted of my beloved grandmother. The only blemish was all my family members who kept trying to get me to go in there and view the body rather than let me grieve in my own fashion and hold to the memories I preferred over seeing her in death. I didn't let it happen.

To this day, I don't have a memory of her in death, only in life. I can still picture her sitting in the living room on quiet evenings reading as she sat in her recliner, just a frail woman but with so much life in her eyes. Or working in the kitchen or chatting with her about politics and the crap hole this country has fallen into or any other of dozens and dozens of memories.

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A year later, her husband, my grandfather was in the hospital and while it wasn't deemed terminal, it was rather serious. We went to visit him in person, not because we were afraid he was going to die right off but because we needed to see him.

When we got there and began chatting with him, it was readily apparent that he was not himself. Not sick, just not his usual garrulous, engaging, charming self. What I mean is, his mind was preoccupied. Somehow, the conversation turned to Grandma. It was like turning on a light switch. He opened up and for about an hour, we talked about nothing but her. When the conversation reached the time of her passing the previous year the conversation sputtered out again.

I said, "You miss Grandma, don't you?"

He replied, "Yeah, I really do."

I told him, "You have nothing holding you here. Go be with her."

He just nodded. I continued for another moment, "We'll miss you but we want you to be happy." Mind you, as I said earlier, I don't believe in an afterlife, but I knew he did and it was obviously comforting to him to have permission from SOMEbody to go ahead and move on from life.

We hugged him and told him goodbye and drove home.

A week later, he gathered his four adult children around him, said goodbye to them and passed away. He died with a smile on his face in their company. I contemplated my relationship with him with a smile on my face. I didn't go to his funeral. Why would I? I have spectacular memories of him.

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2007 was a shitty year for us.

A very close friend of ours was diagnosed with breast cancer and after battling it for a little over a year, in May of '07, she passed away. She died at home in the arms of her loving husband. She was too young to die but she went with grace and dignity and beauty. If there was ever a classy way to die, she did it.

Once again, though, we had visited her a month prior and had the privilege of being able to say goodbye. By that time, she knew. We all knew she was going to die soon. We went and said the most heartfelt goodbye ever. There were a lot of tears because we knew we weren't going to see each other again. We left heartbroken but knowing that she had lived a life to be envied.

When she died the following month, we went to the funeral but since she had been cremated, there was no need to avoid a casket. We went to be supportive to her husband, also our very good friend (and in the throes of a battle with cancer himself) and to her children.

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Thanksgiving of 2007 rolled around and my wife's grandmother was visiting for the holiday. She just didn't travel well and spent most of the week not feeling well. She was 94 years old and had had a great life too. A hard life, but she felt that she had lived it to the fullest. She spent most of the time sleeping while she was here. She had some medical issues which we were able to help her with but she was just dang tired.

We didn't necessarily anticipate that she was going to pass away any time soon but we felt it was probably going to be a moderate surprise in the next year or so. We told her not necessarily goodbye but we did let her know that we loved her dearly and it had always been a pleasure to know her. She made it clear that she wanted to pass away and we told her that if she did, we would miss her but that it was okay for her to go.

I think that was comforting to her. She seemed to relax a lot more then.

She went home and about a week later, we made sure we got my wife's brother up there to visit her. He came away having said goodbye and thanking us for letting him know so he could fly out and talk to her one last time. He told us that he felt she was going to pass soon. A couple of days later, she did pass away. Again, her life was a life we all celebrated.

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Christmas of 2007, a few days before the actual holiday, our friend battling cancer and whose wife had passed in May was admitted to the hospital. We didn't know it right off but it would be his last time and while we had hopes of him doing okay, the doctors kept saying that his systems were shutting down. As the days progressed, his prognosis was worse and worse. We went to visit him. He was nearly a carbon-copy of my grandfather: very much missing his late wife.

As we visited with him over a three-day period of time, the doctors kept saying that his systems were continuing to shut down and that there was nothing that could be done. He was weak and could barely move from the bed to the bathroom. More than once, I had to assist my friend with his movements and that was the easy part.

Saying goodbye and leaving him there with his family was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But we were able to chat over those few days about all of our memories, memories of his late wife and of all the things we had done together over the past few years. To this day, I feel that I have closure.

He passed away the day after Christmas with his loved ones surrounding him.

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I don't know why I tell those stories. I don't feel that I need the therapy of writing it out but I do feel that it has the potential to be comforting to others.

I have complete closure for the few deaths I've encountered in my life. My perspective is that death is merely a final step. If life has been lived to its fullest, there is no great tragedy. Life is beautiful and while saying goodbye in person has been my greatest good fortune with regard to death, I think that it's appropriate to say goodbye. If one doesn't have the opportunity to do so in person, then after the fact is also very good.

Reflecting and talking about the beauties of the person is good too. When people avoided the subject with me, it was painful. When I was able to have a friend listen to me speak my thoughts, that was the best thing for me. Again, I was fortunate to have people in my life who were willing to listen to my thoughts and it brought closure quite easily.

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I rambled a lot up there. I hope it was worthwhile. If you can, please take the time to say goodbye to your loved one even if it's been a while. It has meaning and it can help in ways you'll only understand afterward.

My best,

--Wag--