Last night, I started a Calculus Class. Bleah. I've been sweating it for about three weeks now but I need this class in order to get into the university in the fall.
Now, I'm no dummy. When I've wanted to learn something in the past, I've been able to damn well learn it and learn it well. But the fact that keeps sticking in my craw is that when I took College Algebra about 20 years ago, I pulled a very difficult "C." Add to that the fact that the first chapter of this Calculus textbook is a College Algebra review and while working through it, I discovered I really suck at it.
Still.
So, last night's class was rather an eye-opener. I followed it fairly well, however, the teacher is very fast and covered a lot of Algebraic material which I only barely caught a grip on. And this is the easy part of the class! Conceptually, I'm fine with the material. It's actually doing the work that seems to be causing me a lot of grief.
Sigh.
All in the name of making me a better person, I suppose. In some ways, this should be a fun class but now that I'm in it and spent an s-load of money getting into it, I'm going to ride it out and see if I can at least pull a "C" by the end of the class. I know, it's setting my sights low but at least I'll be able to use that to get into the University!
Wish me luck!
--Wag--
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Saturday, June 19, 2004
X1 Search Part Deaux
I suggest that it's only fair that since I ripped the X1 Search Software a minor new one (see below) I should also direct your attention to the minor rebuttal comment made by Josh. Please note his comment in response to my previous blog entry.
Regrettably, having little use for X1 Search, I have not tried it myself. (I rarely have past e-mail I have to find.)
I suggest, however, that giving your product away for free is no way to get someone to value it enough to actually install it and use it. I should add that in the software world, it is plain suspicious but I went through that already. Free products just don't merit any respect.
Ideally, Josh, my recommendation to you is to have you get some press releases out there in the hands Ziff-Davis, et. al. and have people pay for your product. Give them a discount, for cryin' out loud but don't give it away for free. I refer you back to my memory of 100's of AOL disks promising 1,000's of free hours from time to time in the past few years. Not ONCE have I ever used their product, even when free software only had to be checked for viruses.
One last thing, Josh. I did read a couple of reviews which indicate that there MAY BE spyware and adware in X1 Search. Particularly, quoting Jim Halloran from http://www.jimohalloran.com/archives/000302.html:
". . . the licence agreement . . . suggests that "adware" or "spyware" might be insalled along with X1. The relevant section of the licence agreement:
'4. Third Party Content. Your use of the Software may take you to web sites operated by third parties. We do not endorse (and those third party sites do not endorse us or the Software) nor are we affiliated with these third party web sites and we are not responsible for any content that appears on these sites.
... additional popups and redirections to third party web sites are classic symptoms of a machine with adware or spyware type programms installed. Later, the following appears in the licence...
YOU UNDERSTAND AND AGREE THAT YOU DOWNLOAD AND/OR USE THE SOFTWARE AND ALL THIRD PARTY SOFTWARE MADE AVAILABLE IN CONJUNCTION WITH OR THROUGH THE SOFTWARE AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION AND RISK'
Which suggests that third party software will be installed along with X1.
I don't know for sure whether spyware is packaged with X1 or not because I didn't install it, but the fact that the licence allows for it is enough to stop me from trying it out.
Of course most people don't read the licence, so they get away with it, but its amazing how many programs actually disclose the fact that they're installing spyware on your machine in the licence agreement."
Wag again, here:
Frankly, Josh, if there isn't any adware or spyware in X1 Search at this very moment, the license agreement leaves it wide open for future inclusion of spyware or adware, not to mention the evil, dare I say it? POPUPS!!! Woo hoo! Just what I need on my already over-burdened PC's and wideband connections!
Ergo, I won't soon be installing your software, even if you do send me another free one! Sorry. But good luck to you, nonetheless!
(Ed Foster, are you observing this one?!! heheheh)
--Wag--
Regrettably, having little use for X1 Search, I have not tried it myself. (I rarely have past e-mail I have to find.)
I suggest, however, that giving your product away for free is no way to get someone to value it enough to actually install it and use it. I should add that in the software world, it is plain suspicious but I went through that already. Free products just don't merit any respect.
Ideally, Josh, my recommendation to you is to have you get some press releases out there in the hands Ziff-Davis, et. al. and have people pay for your product. Give them a discount, for cryin' out loud but don't give it away for free. I refer you back to my memory of 100's of AOL disks promising 1,000's of free hours from time to time in the past few years. Not ONCE have I ever used their product, even when free software only had to be checked for viruses.
One last thing, Josh. I did read a couple of reviews which indicate that there MAY BE spyware and adware in X1 Search. Particularly, quoting Jim Halloran from http://www.jimohalloran.com/archives/000302.html:
". . . the licence agreement . . . suggests that "adware" or "spyware" might be insalled along with X1. The relevant section of the licence agreement:
'4. Third Party Content. Your use of the Software may take you to web sites operated by third parties. We do not endorse (and those third party sites do not endorse us or the Software) nor are we affiliated with these third party web sites and we are not responsible for any content that appears on these sites.
... additional popups and redirections to third party web sites are classic symptoms of a machine with adware or spyware type programms installed. Later, the following appears in the licence...
YOU UNDERSTAND AND AGREE THAT YOU DOWNLOAD AND/OR USE THE SOFTWARE AND ALL THIRD PARTY SOFTWARE MADE AVAILABLE IN CONJUNCTION WITH OR THROUGH THE SOFTWARE AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION AND RISK'
Which suggests that third party software will be installed along with X1.
I don't know for sure whether spyware is packaged with X1 or not because I didn't install it, but the fact that the licence allows for it is enough to stop me from trying it out.
Of course most people don't read the licence, so they get away with it, but its amazing how many programs actually disclose the fact that they're installing spyware on your machine in the licence agreement."
Wag again, here:
Frankly, Josh, if there isn't any adware or spyware in X1 Search at this very moment, the license agreement leaves it wide open for future inclusion of spyware or adware, not to mention the evil, dare I say it? POPUPS!!! Woo hoo! Just what I need on my already over-burdened PC's and wideband connections!
Ergo, I won't soon be installing your software, even if you do send me another free one! Sorry. But good luck to you, nonetheless!
(Ed Foster, are you observing this one?!! heheheh)
--Wag--
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Marriage
My wedding anniversary is this Sunday. June 20th. I will have been married . . .
. . . 15 years.
Fifteen years. Never thought I'd say I'd done anything for 15 years. Just like I never could imagine myself saying something like, "15 years ago . . . ." Well, 15 years ago, I got married and have been with the same woman since then.
Here's where I start to sound like an old man. It's had its ups and downs. We've yelled and screamed at each other. We've been to marriage counselling together. Moved around together, lived in ratty apartments together, drove junky cars together, the works. More recently, we've bought a condo and a house together, lived in nice accommodations, mid- middle-class, drive decent cars which have no problems getting us from A to B. In the last 8 years or so, we've had a great life together.
The nice thing is, it seems to keep getting better and better. Sex gets progressively better, our conversations are more meaningful, we fall more in love with each other every day, and more and more we both forget what life was like before marriage.
We never had kids. My wife, regrettably, was unable to have children. And yet, looking back, we are actually glad we didn't. We think it would have been good in our lives and we would have truly loved kids in our home. Retrospectively, however, we feel very satisfied with our lives and with the things we're able to do simply because we don't have children in our home. It sounds materialistic, however, were we to be presented with the opportunity or responsibility of children at this point, we would take it on with no hesitation whatsoever. But we no longer seek children and we no longer regret the absence of children in our home.
Our marriage is a huge success. It's something we worked on and that effort is paying off in very large dividends.
Best of all, as I mentioned above, we're still in love. We fall more in love with each other every day. Her heart and mine are so entwined, we can't separate them any longer. We have mutual respect and admiration for each other and we treat each other as if we were the most important people in the universe.
We draw closer and closer every moment. Neither of us can wait 'til we see each other at the end of the day and if we had our preferences, we'd be together 24 hours a day. And never regret a moment of any of it. If I could go back, would I change anything, knowing what I know now? Absolutely. But the difference would be that we would have reached this pure elation many years ago instead of it taking as long as it did.
This is where we wish to be and how we wish to be. Nothing is more important to us than our life together and we really expect to keep making the most of it day by day.
The rose of our life is the sweetest of them all.
--Wag--
. . . 15 years.
Fifteen years. Never thought I'd say I'd done anything for 15 years. Just like I never could imagine myself saying something like, "15 years ago . . . ." Well, 15 years ago, I got married and have been with the same woman since then.
Here's where I start to sound like an old man. It's had its ups and downs. We've yelled and screamed at each other. We've been to marriage counselling together. Moved around together, lived in ratty apartments together, drove junky cars together, the works. More recently, we've bought a condo and a house together, lived in nice accommodations, mid- middle-class, drive decent cars which have no problems getting us from A to B. In the last 8 years or so, we've had a great life together.
The nice thing is, it seems to keep getting better and better. Sex gets progressively better, our conversations are more meaningful, we fall more in love with each other every day, and more and more we both forget what life was like before marriage.
We never had kids. My wife, regrettably, was unable to have children. And yet, looking back, we are actually glad we didn't. We think it would have been good in our lives and we would have truly loved kids in our home. Retrospectively, however, we feel very satisfied with our lives and with the things we're able to do simply because we don't have children in our home. It sounds materialistic, however, were we to be presented with the opportunity or responsibility of children at this point, we would take it on with no hesitation whatsoever. But we no longer seek children and we no longer regret the absence of children in our home.
Our marriage is a huge success. It's something we worked on and that effort is paying off in very large dividends.
Best of all, as I mentioned above, we're still in love. We fall more in love with each other every day. Her heart and mine are so entwined, we can't separate them any longer. We have mutual respect and admiration for each other and we treat each other as if we were the most important people in the universe.
We draw closer and closer every moment. Neither of us can wait 'til we see each other at the end of the day and if we had our preferences, we'd be together 24 hours a day. And never regret a moment of any of it. If I could go back, would I change anything, knowing what I know now? Absolutely. But the difference would be that we would have reached this pure elation many years ago instead of it taking as long as it did.
This is where we wish to be and how we wish to be. Nothing is more important to us than our life together and we really expect to keep making the most of it day by day.
The rose of our life is the sweetest of them all.
--Wag--
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Depression
A mini-essay I wrote some months ago in response to an individual who had a family member suffering from depression.
--------------------------
Regarding depression, I am a firm believer in a number of things about it. These beliefs have evolved over time and may evolve further. However, I can say that looking back on my own bout with manic depression and the subsequent bouts with uber severe depression I know how it worked on me. It is undoubtedly different in many respects for other people but some of my thoughts below may ring true for those who read them.
Over time, depressive thinking may actually cause the chemistry in the brain to get into the "habit" of functioning in depression mode all the time. It requires meds to get out of this mode and get the brain back into the "habit" of being 'postively' charged with 'positive' chemistry. By the way, that's an analogy not a statement of the good humors of quack medicine.
For me, a drug called nomifensine maleate (sold under the brand name Merital, and don't ask me why I remember any of those three words after all this time!) was what kicked me back into "positive" mode in 1986. It was withdrawn from the U.S. by the FDA because a major side-effect is anemia, among others. I took the drug for about three months and it really did do the trick. Got my brain chems back in order. Made it so I could start to think again.
I was also in counselling during that time and although the counselling itself didn't ring any big bells with me, it did keep me thinking about making improvements and focusing on "getting better." Regrettably, it was during my mission for a cult religion so there were several concepts about depression which because of that cult, I couldn't conceive of until many years later. Much of what I'm writing here is from hindsight into my own depressive dynamics and the things it took to heal me of it.
First off, I believe wholeheartedly that being a member of said cult was what caused my depression. In it, failure is on the menu of emotions every hour of every day. You can only fail so many times before you believe that NOTHING you do will ever amount to anything worthwhile. After suffering defeat after defeat at the tempting hands of an imaginary Satan, you finally realize life is not going to amount to anything for you, nothing you do is ever going to be good enough and you're NEVER going to make it to see god.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Well, you're not going to go see god but that's because he isn't there, not because you're a shithead or a fuck up! LMAO!
Of course, all of that leads to despair and depression and eventually, in my case, suicide or attempted suicide. How many times have you seen people attempt suicide when it appears, externally, that they have everything going for them? Health, intelligence, money, apparent happiness, apparent familial love and affection. The works. How could a guy with all of those things commit suicide? Those of us who are or have been depressed understand all too well.
How to overcome it? Well, the drugs are a must. The counselling is also a must during the course of the drugs and possibly afterwards. I will say this about counselling, however. It must be with a quality counsellor. Notice I didn't say "qualified." The degrees on the wall are meaningless, as far as I can tell. The term quality is used VERY deliberately. Someone who is going to make you take responsibility for your own depression and the cure of it. NOT someone who is going to just dope you up and exclusively rely on drugs to "cure" you. It takes effort on your part and an extreme sense of responsibility for yourself.
It also requires belief. Or more specifically, a change of belief. A necessary attitude change will come with deliberate effort and the proper use of anti-depressants. But changing beliefs is critical, in my opinion for overcoming depression.
For example, cult religions teach you you're a failure and you're worthless. I say, it is OKAY to have failures in life and that such failures are NOT what make you worthless. Everyone fails from time to time but the guys who stay in failure mode get depressed. OR, they were depressed to begin with and they can't deal with the failure in a normal, mature, adult fashion. Failure is a learning experience and dealing with it is a skill that can be learned. But having a failure is NOT a reason to stop living or to stop feeling good about oneself. Do you believe this? You should. It's true.
Small failings do not matter. Cults teach people that every little sin is a major enough sin to keep you out from god. That would destroy the hopes of anyone who took it seriously. It sure did for me. "What if I forget to repent of some little thing I did when I was 9 years old?" Gag me. It's a waste of effort and a waste of energy. And very depressing, to say the least. If you wake up in the morning and sit around watching DVD's or watching daytime T.V. all day, yeah it was a wasted day. So what? No reason not to get moving the next day and do some other productive things. You set goals as a way of planning and thinking ahead. Not so you can use a list of failed activities to beat yourself up later! I see people do it all the time. "I can't get anything done." "Nothing ever works out for me." So? That's life. You keep plugging and stop worrying about the little momentary losses of self-discipline. They don't matter all that much and what's in the past is in the past. Shut up to yourself about it.
You also have to believe it's okay for life to happen. In fact, if it isn't happening, that is something to be depressed about. Okay, that was too circular but you probably get my drift!
You have to believe it is okay to feel good about your successes. Cults teach you that if you had a success of some kind it was because of God, not because you're a good person or because you're smart or because you worked hard. "Pride goeth before a fall." That is a load of crap. If you accomplish some thing, take pride in it. It is okay. Believe me! It's true! You don't have to go boasting about it to everyone but if the opportunity arises to tell of your experiences, go ahead! There is nothing wrong with being a success. In fact, there is everything right about being a success. And remember, little successes are just as wonderful as big successes. Just because you didn't make a million bucks last year, doesn't mean your success at getting a good grade in a school class is NOT worth celebrating. Celebrate, goddammit! It is a good thing WORTH celebrating!
Those are some things that come to mind just brainstorming at the moment. There are plenty of other things I will likely think of and if I do, I'll bring them up also. The bottom line is, you have to make your own healing work. Depression is one of those things which has to be done with a lot of work. Some people can never get off the anti-depressants. That's okay too. Just keep taking them and let them do their job. If you can get off of them, fine but do so very carefully and WITH the advice of your counseller. Ultimately, however, drugs or not, you are going to have to take the bull by the horns to make your life work. It's your responsibility.
And within your reach.
--Wag--
--------------------------
Regarding depression, I am a firm believer in a number of things about it. These beliefs have evolved over time and may evolve further. However, I can say that looking back on my own bout with manic depression and the subsequent bouts with uber severe depression I know how it worked on me. It is undoubtedly different in many respects for other people but some of my thoughts below may ring true for those who read them.
Over time, depressive thinking may actually cause the chemistry in the brain to get into the "habit" of functioning in depression mode all the time. It requires meds to get out of this mode and get the brain back into the "habit" of being 'postively' charged with 'positive' chemistry. By the way, that's an analogy not a statement of the good humors of quack medicine.
For me, a drug called nomifensine maleate (sold under the brand name Merital, and don't ask me why I remember any of those three words after all this time!) was what kicked me back into "positive" mode in 1986. It was withdrawn from the U.S. by the FDA because a major side-effect is anemia, among others. I took the drug for about three months and it really did do the trick. Got my brain chems back in order. Made it so I could start to think again.
I was also in counselling during that time and although the counselling itself didn't ring any big bells with me, it did keep me thinking about making improvements and focusing on "getting better." Regrettably, it was during my mission for a cult religion so there were several concepts about depression which because of that cult, I couldn't conceive of until many years later. Much of what I'm writing here is from hindsight into my own depressive dynamics and the things it took to heal me of it.
First off, I believe wholeheartedly that being a member of said cult was what caused my depression. In it, failure is on the menu of emotions every hour of every day. You can only fail so many times before you believe that NOTHING you do will ever amount to anything worthwhile. After suffering defeat after defeat at the tempting hands of an imaginary Satan, you finally realize life is not going to amount to anything for you, nothing you do is ever going to be good enough and you're NEVER going to make it to see god.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Well, you're not going to go see god but that's because he isn't there, not because you're a shithead or a fuck up! LMAO!
Of course, all of that leads to despair and depression and eventually, in my case, suicide or attempted suicide. How many times have you seen people attempt suicide when it appears, externally, that they have everything going for them? Health, intelligence, money, apparent happiness, apparent familial love and affection. The works. How could a guy with all of those things commit suicide? Those of us who are or have been depressed understand all too well.
How to overcome it? Well, the drugs are a must. The counselling is also a must during the course of the drugs and possibly afterwards. I will say this about counselling, however. It must be with a quality counsellor. Notice I didn't say "qualified." The degrees on the wall are meaningless, as far as I can tell. The term quality is used VERY deliberately. Someone who is going to make you take responsibility for your own depression and the cure of it. NOT someone who is going to just dope you up and exclusively rely on drugs to "cure" you. It takes effort on your part and an extreme sense of responsibility for yourself.
It also requires belief. Or more specifically, a change of belief. A necessary attitude change will come with deliberate effort and the proper use of anti-depressants. But changing beliefs is critical, in my opinion for overcoming depression.
For example, cult religions teach you you're a failure and you're worthless. I say, it is OKAY to have failures in life and that such failures are NOT what make you worthless. Everyone fails from time to time but the guys who stay in failure mode get depressed. OR, they were depressed to begin with and they can't deal with the failure in a normal, mature, adult fashion. Failure is a learning experience and dealing with it is a skill that can be learned. But having a failure is NOT a reason to stop living or to stop feeling good about oneself. Do you believe this? You should. It's true.
Small failings do not matter. Cults teach people that every little sin is a major enough sin to keep you out from god. That would destroy the hopes of anyone who took it seriously. It sure did for me. "What if I forget to repent of some little thing I did when I was 9 years old?" Gag me. It's a waste of effort and a waste of energy. And very depressing, to say the least. If you wake up in the morning and sit around watching DVD's or watching daytime T.V. all day, yeah it was a wasted day. So what? No reason not to get moving the next day and do some other productive things. You set goals as a way of planning and thinking ahead. Not so you can use a list of failed activities to beat yourself up later! I see people do it all the time. "I can't get anything done." "Nothing ever works out for me." So? That's life. You keep plugging and stop worrying about the little momentary losses of self-discipline. They don't matter all that much and what's in the past is in the past. Shut up to yourself about it.
You also have to believe it's okay for life to happen. In fact, if it isn't happening, that is something to be depressed about. Okay, that was too circular but you probably get my drift!
You have to believe it is okay to feel good about your successes. Cults teach you that if you had a success of some kind it was because of God, not because you're a good person or because you're smart or because you worked hard. "Pride goeth before a fall." That is a load of crap. If you accomplish some thing, take pride in it. It is okay. Believe me! It's true! You don't have to go boasting about it to everyone but if the opportunity arises to tell of your experiences, go ahead! There is nothing wrong with being a success. In fact, there is everything right about being a success. And remember, little successes are just as wonderful as big successes. Just because you didn't make a million bucks last year, doesn't mean your success at getting a good grade in a school class is NOT worth celebrating. Celebrate, goddammit! It is a good thing WORTH celebrating!
Those are some things that come to mind just brainstorming at the moment. There are plenty of other things I will likely think of and if I do, I'll bring them up also. The bottom line is, you have to make your own healing work. Depression is one of those things which has to be done with a lot of work. Some people can never get off the anti-depressants. That's okay too. Just keep taking them and let them do their job. If you can get off of them, fine but do so very carefully and WITH the advice of your counseller. Ultimately, however, drugs or not, you are going to have to take the bull by the horns to make your life work. It's your responsibility.
And within your reach.
--Wag--
Monday, June 07, 2004
X1 Search
The fact that I got an X1 Search program CD for free in snail mail today tells me that there is very likely Adware or Spyware or both included with the product. Who spends money on a mass-mailing of their product without getting compensated in some way by somebody? Absurd to think that just out of the goodness of their heart they will just give you their product. Great as it may be, and there are good reviews of it out there, I'm instantly suspicious of "free" software.
Not the least of which includes the 100 or so "free" AOL disks I've gotten over the years. Wish I'd kept all of those. I'd have quite the collection by now. I just use them as coasters and the X1 disk will have the same fate.
--Wag--
Not the least of which includes the 100 or so "free" AOL disks I've gotten over the years. Wish I'd kept all of those. I'd have quite the collection by now. I just use them as coasters and the X1 disk will have the same fate.
--Wag--
Relationships
A concept I have yet to encounter in my admittedly superficial and very amateur study of philosophy is the nature of relationships in regard to people who are givers and people who are takers.
It is frequently said, for example, that every marriage requires a lot of effort and work, that each partner must give 100% (or 110%, depending on who's math is considered!). And that's where the sage advice of the ages ends. You must give 100%. But is that realistic or even possible? I suggest that it is but with an additional elements to consider.
Essentially, my thought circles around the question that if you have a marriage relationship where both spouses are each trying to give 100%, who's doing the taking? Hopefully, both are also taking 100% because you simply cannot have a giver when there is no taker. Yet, just as there are often people who rarely give or who don't give enough, whatever "enough" is, there are also those who simply don't take enough.
Can you give 100% of the time AND take 100% of the time? Perhaps it ultimately becomes the same thing. Read on.
We speak of givers as being generous and kind and "altruistic" but we never speak of takers as being any of those. Yet, that is exactly what a taker really is if you consider the context of a healthy relationship. Indeed, many relationships which are NOT healthy or "normal" are generally a result of a disruption in the balance between giving and taking during the course of the relationship.
Nobody can always be a giver or always be a taker otherwise balance in the relationship is disrupted. The time frames for each role is not utterly critical unless they become excessively long. A caretaker spouse, for example, caring for an ill spouse year after year will eventually get completely used up unless there are other relationships in which that individual is able to become the taker. This brings up the idea that giving and taking cannot be limited to just a relationship between two people. It is in fact, a universally applied circle of reciprocation where the deficit of one is fulfilled by the gifts of another, a third party. In relationships where a jealous spouse will not allow the significant other to pursue outside interests is going to prevent the refills so necessary to the health of the relationship. The gas cap is locked and the key is thrown away.
The giver's reservoir of giving must be filled up from time to time. That need can be filled by the other party in the relationship, however, it is often times not enough. The giver frequently has to go to other sources to refill the reservoir. And the other person in the relationship must allow that to happen. If the giver never gets a chance to refill the tank, the individual starts to decay and a multitude of problems result, both for the person and for the relationship.
Imbalance in the relationship comes when one or the other is always or nearly always the giver and the other is nearly always or is always the taker. While this may seem like an ideal situation in theory (they are made for each other and all that), the reality is that the relationship is out of balance. In fact, both are being selfish, both are not considering the consequences of their actions and furthermore, each of the spouses is enabling the other to continue in their unhealthy pattern(s) of behavior.
People fluctuate between being a giver and a taker. On a given day, you may see a spouse in a marriage giving well over 100% while the other is taking it all in and giving back very little. Three days later or even 10 minutes later the roles may be reversed and you'll see the other spouse giving and the other taking. Regardless of who is doing the giving, there is active participation for both giver and taker. But people do not consider the taker in any virtuous sense. There is never a time when one or the other is a 100% giver or taker but over a long period of time, adding it all up should establish an evenness which indicates balance, overall, to the relationship.
Ideally, each person in the marriage will be constantly aware of the needs of their spouse and when that individual needs to give, the one should step up and take and when that individual needs to take, the other needs to give. A sensitivity and concern for the spouse is, of course mandatory in the course of a relationship. Being aware of the needs of a partner is essential to the discernment of whether or not it is time to be a taker or a giver. Many times, a giver desires to be a giver simply out of satisfaction at the pleasure or gratitude of the taker.
However, determining the needs of a lifemate is rather a delicate art. Certainly, if you offer a solution or a gift to satisy a perceived need and it is, in fact, flatly rejected, it's time to back off. You either got it wrong perceiving the actual need, or the individual does not need to be in the role you were thinking. Same thing, really. Time gives the experience needed to be able to consistently get it right. At times, when feeling the emptiness of not being able to fill one role or the other, it is even necessary to ask. Either way. Sometimes, you may need to ask your partner to take from you for a while as you be the giver. And it isn't even about role-playing at that point and it doesn't cheapen the efficacy of the giving. in fact, it can enhance it because then you know that your partner is willing to accommodate your needs.
Faking it is not *always* a bad idea but if you're an insincere taker, you cause the other person to receive a mixed message about what kinds of things are needed or necessary in the relationship. Overdone, it can easily cause mistrust. Feeling the need to fake it may indicate other problems in the relationship and at that point, it would be good to identify that problem and solve it for what it is. While it is a dishonesty to graciously take what is given when gratitude is not truly felt, it may make it more satisfying to the giver. An occasional "fake" may be just as healthy as genuine appreciation, either as giver or taker, however, as mentioned, overdoing it can be hazardous.
If one partner to a relationship never takes from the other, it can cause all kinds of trauma in the individual and ultimately, to the relationship. Can we say "rejection?" The giving person is never adequately fulfilled if, in fact, the individual's "gifts" cannot or will not be received by an effective and generous taker. If both are giving to and neither are taking from the other, they cannot be fulfilled and will nearly always feel a rejection of self. And yes, it can get personal. That such feelings are not expressed in a relationship is rather irrelevant. They are generally always there in such a circumstance.
There ARE relationships which allow BOTH parties to be takers. But these are nearly always relationships of a business nature wherein the buyer and the seller both take from a given transaction and receive value as a result of it. And they never or rarely change roles. Indeed, if the transaction doesn't go well it can be reversed so that both parties are restored to their original condition and once again, neither are givers or takers. This analogy is not a good one in the context of social science, however, because in this case, there is a tangible item of worth and a clear trade-off in regard to the fact that each has to take. In fact, the very introduction of a giving or a taking element into a business transaction can alter the dynamic rather drastically. Giving and taking can be a good thing here but it can be easily abused. Hurt people are a result and unnecessarily so.
Takers abuse givers but givers abuse takers as well. Givers frequently play the martyr or takers frequently take unrealistic advantage of the giver. Accusations fly and both parties begin to bring up harbored grudges and hurt feelings. In such a situation, it is important to realize that the giver is potentially the problem. That dynamic should be explored fully. Does the giver never become the taker? Is the giver monopolizing the give portion of the relationship? Is the taker never allowed to be the giver? And does that individual finally start rejecting the excessive giver as a form of passive resistance? In a long-term relationship, it would be easy for a taker to feel abused and never really know or understand what is going on. Yet, that person has the skill and agility needed to subconsciously push the buttons of the excessive giver and make life a difficulty. And never completely understand why.
Being an excessive giver is not necessarily a good thing. It is smothering and can be perceived as condescending and patronizing. It gets more and more difficult for a taker to be effectively gracious about the gifts and ultimately, passive-aggressive rejection begins to become patternistic and becomes the facilitator for damaging and destroying the health of the relationship.
Then there is the issue of keeping score. It is self-defeating. The score-keeper is not really interested in the relationship itself or the other person but is concerned primarily with his or her own merit as a partner in the relationship. Excessive givers are notorious for this but it isn't their exclusive domain. Excessive takers can easily get into the role of believing they are there to make the giver feel good about their "self" and proceed to make themselves constantly play the role of taker and even demand the gifts of the giver, erroneously believing they are truly doing their partner a favor at every turn.
Some people are more capable of giving and others more capable of taking. Money relationships are a good example of this. Two friends, one rich and the other poor but still friends on a level that supercedes their social status, will often encounter such a dynamic. The rich one pays for everything and the poor one goes along for the ride. In an psychologically warped relationship, the poor one always feels bad that he can't reciprocate and never realizes that it is his companionship, something about his personality or character that the rich person desires and hence, he does what he can to maintain that relationship. That the costs of going to dinner and a movie are borne by the rich individual is incidental and does not affect his desire to continue to do so. Of course, the poor individual can also abuse the relationship but then the merits of the relationship are compromised and it rapidly decays into a non-relationship.
The same is true of marital relationships. Some individuals are more capable of giving than taking. Others are more capable of taking than giving. But each should realize that it is to the benefit of both if they can turn the quarter over on occasion and switch roles. This is one of the areas where "work" is required. It generally means doing the difficult thing and stepping up to the plate as needed. Thus, the taker can be generous, considerate, compassionate, and willing to give up the role of taker and become the giver as it is needed. The giver, of course, can do so as well and become the taker in the relationship, even if only for a short time.
Which leads to the next comment, people who are 100% givers and never take, are, in reality, rather selfish in that they don't satisfy the need of the other person in the relationship wherein that individual's need to become a giver is not satisfied. On occasion, as frequently as needed, you must be a 100% taker so your partner can be a 100% giver. And vice-versa.
Balance is then attained and we find ourselves giving 100% of the time and taking 100% of the time.
The two then become one.
--Wag--
It is frequently said, for example, that every marriage requires a lot of effort and work, that each partner must give 100% (or 110%, depending on who's math is considered!). And that's where the sage advice of the ages ends. You must give 100%. But is that realistic or even possible? I suggest that it is but with an additional elements to consider.
Essentially, my thought circles around the question that if you have a marriage relationship where both spouses are each trying to give 100%, who's doing the taking? Hopefully, both are also taking 100% because you simply cannot have a giver when there is no taker. Yet, just as there are often people who rarely give or who don't give enough, whatever "enough" is, there are also those who simply don't take enough.
Can you give 100% of the time AND take 100% of the time? Perhaps it ultimately becomes the same thing. Read on.
We speak of givers as being generous and kind and "altruistic" but we never speak of takers as being any of those. Yet, that is exactly what a taker really is if you consider the context of a healthy relationship. Indeed, many relationships which are NOT healthy or "normal" are generally a result of a disruption in the balance between giving and taking during the course of the relationship.
Nobody can always be a giver or always be a taker otherwise balance in the relationship is disrupted. The time frames for each role is not utterly critical unless they become excessively long. A caretaker spouse, for example, caring for an ill spouse year after year will eventually get completely used up unless there are other relationships in which that individual is able to become the taker. This brings up the idea that giving and taking cannot be limited to just a relationship between two people. It is in fact, a universally applied circle of reciprocation where the deficit of one is fulfilled by the gifts of another, a third party. In relationships where a jealous spouse will not allow the significant other to pursue outside interests is going to prevent the refills so necessary to the health of the relationship. The gas cap is locked and the key is thrown away.
The giver's reservoir of giving must be filled up from time to time. That need can be filled by the other party in the relationship, however, it is often times not enough. The giver frequently has to go to other sources to refill the reservoir. And the other person in the relationship must allow that to happen. If the giver never gets a chance to refill the tank, the individual starts to decay and a multitude of problems result, both for the person and for the relationship.
Imbalance in the relationship comes when one or the other is always or nearly always the giver and the other is nearly always or is always the taker. While this may seem like an ideal situation in theory (they are made for each other and all that), the reality is that the relationship is out of balance. In fact, both are being selfish, both are not considering the consequences of their actions and furthermore, each of the spouses is enabling the other to continue in their unhealthy pattern(s) of behavior.
People fluctuate between being a giver and a taker. On a given day, you may see a spouse in a marriage giving well over 100% while the other is taking it all in and giving back very little. Three days later or even 10 minutes later the roles may be reversed and you'll see the other spouse giving and the other taking. Regardless of who is doing the giving, there is active participation for both giver and taker. But people do not consider the taker in any virtuous sense. There is never a time when one or the other is a 100% giver or taker but over a long period of time, adding it all up should establish an evenness which indicates balance, overall, to the relationship.
Ideally, each person in the marriage will be constantly aware of the needs of their spouse and when that individual needs to give, the one should step up and take and when that individual needs to take, the other needs to give. A sensitivity and concern for the spouse is, of course mandatory in the course of a relationship. Being aware of the needs of a partner is essential to the discernment of whether or not it is time to be a taker or a giver. Many times, a giver desires to be a giver simply out of satisfaction at the pleasure or gratitude of the taker.
However, determining the needs of a lifemate is rather a delicate art. Certainly, if you offer a solution or a gift to satisy a perceived need and it is, in fact, flatly rejected, it's time to back off. You either got it wrong perceiving the actual need, or the individual does not need to be in the role you were thinking. Same thing, really. Time gives the experience needed to be able to consistently get it right. At times, when feeling the emptiness of not being able to fill one role or the other, it is even necessary to ask. Either way. Sometimes, you may need to ask your partner to take from you for a while as you be the giver. And it isn't even about role-playing at that point and it doesn't cheapen the efficacy of the giving. in fact, it can enhance it because then you know that your partner is willing to accommodate your needs.
Faking it is not *always* a bad idea but if you're an insincere taker, you cause the other person to receive a mixed message about what kinds of things are needed or necessary in the relationship. Overdone, it can easily cause mistrust. Feeling the need to fake it may indicate other problems in the relationship and at that point, it would be good to identify that problem and solve it for what it is. While it is a dishonesty to graciously take what is given when gratitude is not truly felt, it may make it more satisfying to the giver. An occasional "fake" may be just as healthy as genuine appreciation, either as giver or taker, however, as mentioned, overdoing it can be hazardous.
If one partner to a relationship never takes from the other, it can cause all kinds of trauma in the individual and ultimately, to the relationship. Can we say "rejection?" The giving person is never adequately fulfilled if, in fact, the individual's "gifts" cannot or will not be received by an effective and generous taker. If both are giving to and neither are taking from the other, they cannot be fulfilled and will nearly always feel a rejection of self. And yes, it can get personal. That such feelings are not expressed in a relationship is rather irrelevant. They are generally always there in such a circumstance.
There ARE relationships which allow BOTH parties to be takers. But these are nearly always relationships of a business nature wherein the buyer and the seller both take from a given transaction and receive value as a result of it. And they never or rarely change roles. Indeed, if the transaction doesn't go well it can be reversed so that both parties are restored to their original condition and once again, neither are givers or takers. This analogy is not a good one in the context of social science, however, because in this case, there is a tangible item of worth and a clear trade-off in regard to the fact that each has to take. In fact, the very introduction of a giving or a taking element into a business transaction can alter the dynamic rather drastically. Giving and taking can be a good thing here but it can be easily abused. Hurt people are a result and unnecessarily so.
Takers abuse givers but givers abuse takers as well. Givers frequently play the martyr or takers frequently take unrealistic advantage of the giver. Accusations fly and both parties begin to bring up harbored grudges and hurt feelings. In such a situation, it is important to realize that the giver is potentially the problem. That dynamic should be explored fully. Does the giver never become the taker? Is the giver monopolizing the give portion of the relationship? Is the taker never allowed to be the giver? And does that individual finally start rejecting the excessive giver as a form of passive resistance? In a long-term relationship, it would be easy for a taker to feel abused and never really know or understand what is going on. Yet, that person has the skill and agility needed to subconsciously push the buttons of the excessive giver and make life a difficulty. And never completely understand why.
Being an excessive giver is not necessarily a good thing. It is smothering and can be perceived as condescending and patronizing. It gets more and more difficult for a taker to be effectively gracious about the gifts and ultimately, passive-aggressive rejection begins to become patternistic and becomes the facilitator for damaging and destroying the health of the relationship.
Then there is the issue of keeping score. It is self-defeating. The score-keeper is not really interested in the relationship itself or the other person but is concerned primarily with his or her own merit as a partner in the relationship. Excessive givers are notorious for this but it isn't their exclusive domain. Excessive takers can easily get into the role of believing they are there to make the giver feel good about their "self" and proceed to make themselves constantly play the role of taker and even demand the gifts of the giver, erroneously believing they are truly doing their partner a favor at every turn.
Some people are more capable of giving and others more capable of taking. Money relationships are a good example of this. Two friends, one rich and the other poor but still friends on a level that supercedes their social status, will often encounter such a dynamic. The rich one pays for everything and the poor one goes along for the ride. In an psychologically warped relationship, the poor one always feels bad that he can't reciprocate and never realizes that it is his companionship, something about his personality or character that the rich person desires and hence, he does what he can to maintain that relationship. That the costs of going to dinner and a movie are borne by the rich individual is incidental and does not affect his desire to continue to do so. Of course, the poor individual can also abuse the relationship but then the merits of the relationship are compromised and it rapidly decays into a non-relationship.
The same is true of marital relationships. Some individuals are more capable of giving than taking. Others are more capable of taking than giving. But each should realize that it is to the benefit of both if they can turn the quarter over on occasion and switch roles. This is one of the areas where "work" is required. It generally means doing the difficult thing and stepping up to the plate as needed. Thus, the taker can be generous, considerate, compassionate, and willing to give up the role of taker and become the giver as it is needed. The giver, of course, can do so as well and become the taker in the relationship, even if only for a short time.
Which leads to the next comment, people who are 100% givers and never take, are, in reality, rather selfish in that they don't satisfy the need of the other person in the relationship wherein that individual's need to become a giver is not satisfied. On occasion, as frequently as needed, you must be a 100% taker so your partner can be a 100% giver. And vice-versa.
Balance is then attained and we find ourselves giving 100% of the time and taking 100% of the time.
The two then become one.
--Wag--
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