What makes a great relationship?

In another forum, a young lady wrote a request asking for married people's advice on relationships. The ensuing discussion really has me reflecting. Again. I've contemplated this subject for quite some time, years, actually. When I first started hanging out on RfM, (Recovery from Mormonism, www.exmormon.org) I was pretty naive about relationships though I didn't know it at the time. That was 3+ years ago. As I started to realize people have serious problems with their relationships, I wondered what the hell was I doing right? If anything. I say that last because most Mormon and Exmormon men are pussified and brainwashed to the point of believing that if they have a good marriage, it's solely because of their wives. For a while, I was one of those. I had to really study it out for a while to realize that ultimately, I have as much to do with the excellent quality of our relationship as my wife does. Perhaps that's a subchapter of a very long topic. Let's see if I come back to it here.

Anyhoo, back then I thought I should write an essay on what great relationships are made of. I even started such an essay and made almost no progress with it. It's very complex and I'm not even sure I can even get a very good start on it. We'll see what happens here.

So, what is it that makes my relationship with my wife so great? So very fantastic? My wife and I look at other couples and we have a tough time figuring them out. Let's see what a quick brainstorming session will reveal of the mind of Wag. I should mention that all of this applies equally to gay couples as well, just change the genders to suit your needs! ;)

Communication

I think the big part, at the risk of sounding like a cliche, is communication. However, as I alluded to in another post on the young lady's thread, it's not WHAT a couple communicates but HOW they communicate it. (This is extraordinarly difficult to describe because I'm having trouble coming up with decent examples.)

I frequently see women approach their mates with topics which are genuinely important BUT they bring it up from their own point of view rather than figuring out what their partner's point of view is. She's pissed about him leaving his skidmarked underwear on the floor all the time. It really pisses her off. She jumps in his face about it. At best, he sheepishly picks 'em up for a couple of days but before you know it, there they are again some morning and there they keep showing up every day until she blows off at him about it again.

She never takes a thought for what might actually motivate him to change his habit. It's all about her. She can't take her mind off the fact that it really pisses her off. Okay, that's the easy part of the example. The hard part is continuing with a solution.

Auuughghghgh! I can't get the grip on it! And believe me, that's exactly what she should be feeling. She can't get a grip on how to approach him. But waitaminnit. She get's naked with this guy all the time, she washes those skidmarks out of his skivvies and she can't take the time and make the effort to figure him out? C'mon!!! She's just not thinking! She KNOWS this man and she CAN figure him out if she puts some effort into it.

She has to explain how it makes her feel when he drops his undies on the floor. Therein lies a multi-faceted problem for her. The first part is, she may not really know HOW she feels. Which is to say, she can't put it into words, even to herself. There's her first task. Define how it is she feels when she trips over the stinky Fruit-of-the-Looms going into the bedroom in the morning. Does she feel he doesn't care? Yup! But wait. That's too broad to approach him with it because it applies to too many other things. She has to be more specific or it's going to be a very short meaningless conversation when she does eventually bring it up. And she's going to lose.

Does she feel like she thinks of her as a personal slave? Perhaps. That's a little broad too, but getting better. You see where this is going? It's a detective's job and it takes effort. I should point out that over time, it gets much easier. And by the way, it's not just women, it's men, too. Turn it over to him being pissed that she clogged the toilet drain with a tampon AGAIN, and you can switch the example over VERY easily.

Ah, but you may say those are such minor issues, they don't need a lot of in-depth contemplation and heavy discussion.

Oh, really?

Then I ask you, how the FUCK are you supposed to take care of the big issues if you don't know how to deal with the little ones? Practice, you idiot! You need it!

Back to the example. So, she finally figures out what it is that she really feels. It was more complex to figure it out than the actual feeling was when she finally exposed it to herself! It usually is. Sometimes, after the introspection, it becomes a non-issue entirely and it can be laughed off. That's good too, frankly. But such isn't the case here. The floor isn't the place to drop the odiferous bun-huggers. It has to be dealt with.

What's next? She has to have a great deal of confidence that her husband is sensitive to her feelings, sure that he's really interested in not hurting her, ever. If she doesn't already know that, then this whole exercise is going to be futile at best. That's where the counsellor came in handy for fixing up my relationship with my wife. He was the catalyst that made me frame the thought in my mind that, "Hey, I really DON'T like to cause my wife any ill feelings because I really DO love her." After that, it's all progress from there.

That's really the crux of successful communication in a relationship. Other necessary dimenstions include setting the right time (not while he's watching Sports Center, is hungry, is sleeping, etc.), the right body language, the right tone of voice, etc. Once those ideal components are in place, the conversation should go MUCH better and may even engender a change in the behavior.

Sex

I've said it so many times, it's becoming a cliche but it may not yet be one. Are you ready?

Sex is not the door to a good long-term relationship but it's definitely the hinge that it swings on.

If the sexual hinge gets rusty, the relationship gets squeaky. I'm not talking about the springs on that old mattress yer bangin' her on or your latent need for K-Y Jelly, or 10W-40 Valvoline, either. I've seen a great many men AND women in relationships where they aren't getting any or not getting it very good and they wait it out, miserable, looking okay on the surface in public but inside just having a very bad time of it. A good sexual relationship will have its ups and downs, sure. But the overall trend for sexual quality in a great relationship will be upward-sloping through the entire relationship.

That begs the question, though: "Why is that?" Generally, it's because the partners in the relationship actually care about how good the sex is for their partner. Even back when I was an adherent to the sexually repressed cult, we threw caution and prudishness to the winds and made sure we took care of each other. I was proud of the fact that EVERY time, for about 10 years straight, I made her scream like a banshee in ecstactic sexual heaven. Peeling her off the ceiling was a regular and frequent occurrence. She made sure I got great sex in any configuration I wanted as often as I wanted. There was a great deal of sexual generosity between the two of us and y'know what? There still is. More than ever before and moreso than I see between most couples out there. Yeah, there were things that made one or the other of us uncomfortable so we didn't do them more than once and we don't go revisit them now. Those boundaries got set up very well over time.

"Sexual generosity." There's a term I don't think I've heard before. What are YOU giving to your partner? Or are you just being selfish? Is your partner? Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Money

Do what it takes to make enough. Get a better education, start the business you need, live on less than what you earn right now, you name it. Financial security solves a GREAT MANY PROBLEMS!!! There are lots of people out there who have been brainwashed into believing that money is the root of all evil, if you want money YOU are evil and those who have money did it by selling their souls to Satan. (No lie, my father used to preach that last one to me!) People are actually afraid of money and the more there is of it, the more they hate it.

Of course, that's all bullshit. People steal most often when they DON'T have enough money. People in marriages fight because they don't have enough money. People go hungry, or sick, or inadequately clothed or sheltered because they don't have enough money. Lack of money causes far more problems than it solves. If a couple isn't fighting over money, they don't have a lot of fights.

Don't get me wrong, you CAN have a ton of money and if you're irresponsible with it, it doesn't really matter how much you have, it's never enough. I tell couples thinking of getting into it long-term under the same roof that they should do a full credit check on their potential partner. Believe you me, you don't want the kinds of problems that financial irresponisibility of a mate and lack of money causes. No relationship should be put under that strain if it can be avoided at all.

If you're already in a relationship and your mate is not responsible about money, you have to take the bull by the horns and do what is required to make sure he or she doesn't bring you to financial devastation. It may not be easy but ya gotta do it. Pure and simple. And if all else fails, sorry to say, get the hell out. Your "relationship" is probably usurious and enabling at some level and fails to qualify as a relationship.

Bottom line is, the phrase, "Money is the root of all evil," is utter bullshit. LACK of money, to restate it, cause far more problems than money ever did.

The subject of money is VERY complex when you bring it to an emotional and ethical level. Those types of thoughts have to be reconciled to reality and fundamental facts about money. We'll do that another time.

Kids

I don't have kids but here are some thoughts 'cause I was a kid a long time ago and I have friends and family with kids. What I DON'T know are the day-to-day instant decisions which have to be made but I think I can address some general ideas with some small degree of competence. Maybe . . . ;)

So, are ya gonna have 'em or not? If one of you wants kids and the other doesn't, you'd be playing with fire to get into a relationship. That isn't to say you can't still have a relationship but you will never be certain your partner is completely satisfied and that it won't become a huge blowout fight somewhere down the line.

If you decide you both don't want kids, get fixed. No mistakes allowed now!

But what about if you already have kids or want to have kids? How ya gonna raise 'em? How many do you want? What if you have one or two and change your mind about how many? How ya gonna divide up the parenting responsibilities? Are you financially prepared to have kids? Can one of you stay home and raise the kids yourselves instead of putting them into daycare? How ya gonna educate 'em? Can you handle THAT responsibility? Moneywise? Timewise?

One thing is a certainty. Having kids is going to change your life unalterably. I mean, we have a horse and we joke about it being our kid but the reality is, if we ever become in any way disenchanted with the critter we can sell it. We can even legally shoot it if we like. Ya ain't doin' THAT with your kids! Sorry! You're stuck with 'em for the duration and that duration is longer for some than others.

We tried to adopt kids and were circumvented for a lot of years, long enough to finally realize that our perspective and desires had changed so we ended that effort because we decided that frankly, we didn't really want kids any more. Had we had kids early on, of course we would have been able to rise to the task. But I see a lot of people who have kids for various irrational reasons and end up resenting the kids later on. Sometimes not very much later on.

Premarital discussions

I tell couples beginning a long-term relationship to discuss all these issues herein and more before they get together under one roof and before they make a commitment of that seriousness. It's just good practice. And just what is a pre-nup, anyway if not a discussion of all of these issues? The difference is, with a pre-nup, you pay an attorney to do it for you and it protects any existing assets. Pre-nups also, for the record, make it a lot easier to break off the relationship.

Goals

Where do your life's objectives match up? Where do they digress? How supportive are you toward each other's desires and intentions for their lives? Are you helping your mate with the goals he has? Is he helping you with yours? Do you both like doing so or is it an insufferable burden to you? Just some things to think about. You don't have to have the same goals or be supportive of each other necessarily but as a bare minimum, you can't be resentful and you can't be obstructive.

Individuality

Speaking of goals, do you override your mate's goals with yours? That's a bad thing. All too often, I see a guy working to build up a business out of his hobby of collecting horse biscuits and varnishing them for sale and the poor spouse has to help out (or thinks she does) and she gives up her dream of learning to fly zeppelins. That would be terrible, to be sure. 'Specially if you had to live that way for very long.

Education

How supportive are you of each other's educational objectives? One of the great tragedies I see FREQUENTLY is when the woman works her fingers to the bone to put her honey through law school and the minute he becomes successful in his new career, he trades her in for a younger model. How pathetic is that? What kinda scum does that? Or just as bad, the woman wants a degree and her husband berates her for it all the time she's studying and refuses to create an environment wherein she can do the schooling for herself. Becomes obstructive in various ways, etc. etc. Or vice-versa. Women do it to their men, too. Ostensibly, it's jealousy but whatever the reason, that can't be good.

What a pisser, eh?

Religion

Without going into a long discussion about it, how important is religion and how will it affect EVERY aspect of your life or ANY of your life? I should mention that just because you're both in the same religion, you may not have the same beliefs. And what if your spouse changes religions mid-stream, will it matter to you? Even if it means sacrificing chickens in the back yard in the moonlight? SOME religions can break up families entirely when one of the pair moves off in a different direction with changes in belief.

Respect

I think one of the key components of a successful long-term relationship is respect for the partner. With the proper respect, most of the above falls very easily into place. I've seen guys married to some real twitlet women and they don't respect the women in the least. Not that she deserves any respect but what on earth did he marry her for? Sex? Well, young guys do it all the time but still, that doesn't lend itself to a good relationship at all.

Other things

There are plenty of things which aren't addressed here at all and the topics above are not explored the least bit completely or conclusively. But every aspect of the relationship is important. what is most important, however, is . . .

Love

I used to know what love was. When I proposed to my wife, I thought I knew what love was. I thought I was in love. Little did I know! Ha! A year later, I realized how silly I had been because at that point, I REALLY knew what love was. I was sadly mistaken. Another year later, I realized that wasn't what you could call love. I became absolutely CERTAIN that I understood the meaning of love and knew what it was. That powerful love I felt at that time was the key that saved my marriage but again, I was severely mistaken about what love is.

Fast forward many more years. 15 1/2 years of marriage later, I can assure you I absolutely KNOW what love is now. Too bad I can't really describe it to you! Seriously, it's beyond the ability of pathetically inadequate words to even begin to describe. A year ago, I really thought I knew what love is but I was wrong again and now I'm completely SURE I know what love is! ;)

Well, I'm only being a little frivolous above. The point is, of course, that love, real love, grows and develops continually. It's not something you acquire one day or fall into. Well, you can fall into or acquire some early forms of love but if you want to truly have the black belt of love, you have to keep learning about it all the time and to do so, you have to stay in a long-term committed, mutually satisfying relationship for an extended period of time. And the longer you stay in it, the more you'll feel what love really is.

I fall in love with my wife every day, all over again but more than the day before. We have reached the point where we are nearly physically a part of one another, even when we're away from each other. Again, it's tough to describe.

As a footnote, I should mention that love does NOT overcome all obstacles. Brains make a huge difference in people's ability to work out the difficulties of long-term relationships. Love DOES, however, frequently become the motivator to boost people into WANTING to put the effort into it.

Conclusion

Well, like I said, this is a tough thing to write which is why I never wrote it before. Probably shouldn't have written it just now! What DOES make a GREAT relationship? Almost impossible to cover everything though the subjects above tend to be the big ones.

I should also mention that what makes a great relationship is a topic about which I learn something new every day. I can't wait to see what I learn more about it tomorrow!

;)

--Wag--

Geek Gods

Saw this article today:

http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,1759,1748125,00.asp

The Dick Tracy watch with video and phone is still a way off but this seems like another step in that direction. I can't wait to see what's next.

Suffice it to say that my PDA (Zire 72) has scads more power (100's of times?) than the old XT's we started with 20 years ago and is inherently more powerful than even the first Pentiums. Well, more useful, that is. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with the Palm OS particularly in it's current iteration.

I can't complain. It cost me $600 with all the software I wanted vs. the $3,500 it used to cost for the first Pentiums. Bad thing: I still need a Pentium to make the Palm truly accessible and to back it up. The battery isn't all that great. Still, I can't complain.

So, when the PC gets implemented to the wrist and the interface to it is a pair of VR goggles and a virtual keyboard, I'll finally be content.

Maybe.

--Wag--