The Men's Bathroom.

Okay, if you've never been to a men's room before, this is how it is.

When you walk in the door, you'll notice how quiet it is. Sounds are heard in descending order, thusly: Zippers flying up and down (if you can hear really well). Less frequently, flushing urinals and toilets. Less often yet, the sound of water running into a sink. Most rare of all, a paper towel being ripped from a holder on the wall. Notice what's missing? Conversation. Nobody is allowed to talk in a men's room.

That isn't to say it never happens. If two guys go into a men's room while they're in the middle of a conversation, they will pause, both will automatically assess whether or not there are other people in the bathroom and if they are the only two men in the bathroom, the conversation will resume. But only if they are really good friends. Rest assured, if someone else walks in while they are talking, the conversation will be put on hold instantly, to be continued outside the room. No man will ever strike up a conversation with a stranger in the bathroom and most assuredly will not do so at the urinal.

Absolutely under no circumstances, however, is a conversation ever going to be held if one or both go in to use the commode. That wall between the bowls is there for a reason and it ain't just to hold the paper rolls, either. No conversation is allowed through the doors or walls of the stalls!

This is why a man will never ask another man in the stall next to him for paper. He would rather whip out his pocket knife, cut his underwear off and wipe with those than ask for paper from another man in the next stall. He won't make a sound, either. The knife will be deadly silent in it's operation. Or if he can't keep it quiet, ie., he has to tear them off because he forgot his knife, he'll wait until there is nobody else anywhere in the bathroom so he can rip them off his body without anyone hearing him. If he's lucky, he's seated in such a way as to be able to still reach the toilet seat covers and use one of them. Who cares if it scratches the hell out of his asshole. Better that than be reduced to begging for paper. Most of the time, however, guys will check the roll before they walk in so it's really a rather rare problem.

On occasion, however, someone will be in a hurry because he's cramping up or something stupid and misses that crucial step along the way. He's going commando and there are no seat covers. What he does behind that door at that point is between him and whatever god he prays to and then he'll wash his hands but you won't see him do it.

The only exception to the no talking rules is if a man brings his young son into the restroom and the kid is talking 'cause the old man hasn't properly trained him yet. Of course, the father will be highly embarrassed and that is why a man prefers to have his wife take the little kid to the bathroom with her instead. If he brings his little daughter in, it's even worse because they HAVE to use the stalls and they invariably have to talk in there to complete the job successfully and the poor father is double-whammied, having to talk in the men's room AND talking behind the door of the stall.

Guys are not allowed to make physical contact with another man in the bathroom. Even by accident. If a man inadvertendly bumps into another man while in the bathroom, both will look the other way and pretend it never happened. Which means it never did happen. Only girlie-men make any kind of physical contact while in a bathroom.

A man is not allowed to use a urinal next to another man unless there is absolutely NO other urinal to be used. If a man goes into a restroom and he is the only one in there, he is obligated to take one of the end of the row because if some other man walks in, he is required by law to take the urinal the farthest possible distance from the previous man. Yeah, it's written law. Go look it up.

If there are two men pissing at opposite ends of the row when a third man walks in, said third man is to take the urinal which is exactly between the other two men, thus maximizing the distance between all men involved. Ideally, if a man walks into a bathroom and there are men at every other urinal (every other urinal is not being used at the moment), he is to check the stalls first before using a urinal which would require him to stand next to two other peeing men. Either that or wait until someone leaves. And yes, since you're thinking it, all men's rooms are required to have an odd number of urinals. Whenever you see a men's room with an even number of urinals, you can bet it was designed that way by a woman who hates men.

At no time is a man to make eye contact with another man in a bathroom. This is especially true if they are at the urinal holding their peckers in their hands. You're not allowed to look at another man if you have your dick in your hands, nor are you to look at another man while he's holding his dick. If you're both standing there, dick in hand, you are both to look straight at the wall in front of you and pretend the other guy isn't even there. Never, never, never sneak a glance at another man's package, even if you are curious about whether or not his dick is bigger than yours.

Jokes about guys having any kind of conversation in the bathroom aren't funny because they are completely in the realm of fantasy. There are very few such jokes anyway.

The advent of automatic flushers has made a very important rule a problem. The rule is, when you walk up to a urinal, you're supposed to flush it before you start to piss. I'm sure that's to prevent splashback. Indeed, if the water stops running down the back of the urinal before you're done peeing, you're supposed to reach up and flush again. The idea is the keep the water going until you're done. Then zip up your fly and give it one more flush before you go.

Automatic flushers, however, have really fucked this up and men have begun to be pussified because of it. I've tried various ways to fake out the auto flush devices but have failed miserably. Besides, even if you can get the first preliminary flush going, it never lasts long enough. Stopping your flow, stepping back to get another flush and then stepping back up to the plate, bat in hand, is just not practical. Especially if there are other men in the room. Real men are becoming rather frustrated at a primal level because of this invention. You might be able to anticipate that men will someday march in the streets protesting this some day but there are still enough older urinals out there with manual flushers. A man can frequently find one just often enough to still his disquiet over this problem and make himself feel like a man once again.

And you never whip out your dick and wave it around so people can see it. Bad things can happen in your karma if you do. That's if bad things don't happen to your nuts because 6 guys thrashed you for exposing yourself and showing them your package.

Guys are not supposed to wash their hands after using the bathroom. The ones who do are pussified and you always know they have a wife or girlfriend outside the john, waiting to see if their hands smell like soap. If they don't smell of soap, the bitch leaves the guy standing there at the theater, wishing he'd washed his hands and looking very sad, like he's going to cry. These are the same wanna-be's you see holding purses outside the ladies dressing rooms at the clothing store. Real men don't wash their hands and their tough bitch women don't ask 'cause they know what answer they're going to get: "I didn't wash my hands because I didn't piss on my hands. What the fuck are you worried about?!!!"

And that's what it's like in a Men's Room!

--Wag--

Wedding advice

For those of you about to get married, here are some suggestions. I sent this off to another individual elsewhere who is about to get married. He seemed to have a good head on his shoulders and that's a good thing. The idea here is to get people thinking and talking to each other. You'd be amazed at how often people rush into marriage without considering the whole proposition ( pun intended! ;) ) with some intelligence. I'm constantly amazed at how many couples are getting naked together or planning to get naked together but they can't seem to disucss important issues with each other.

Here you go!

Congrats, Bud! I've been married 15 years, myself. Here's how we did it:

Start off on the right foot. Talk about and plan EVERYTHING with her before you actually tie the knot. Here's the short list:

-Kids. Will you or won't you and how many? Will one of you stay home and raise 'em while the other works? Why or why not? If one of you wants kids and the other doesn't, don't do it! Especially if she wants 'em and you don't. We don't have kids but that's a long story. Bottom line is, to have kids requires you to change your lifestyle drastically. How do ALL of the below topics et al relate to having kids?

-Sex. How often? How kinky? What fantasies have you not fulfilled? Is she rockin' your world? Are you rockin' hers? Will she do the ol' bait-and-switch on you and cut you off after the wedding cake is cut up? Ask her, brother! Make sure those things are fixed BEFORE you tie the knot! Decide in advance what kinds of things are off limits to each of you and decide how to experiment with each other.

-Money. Joint accounts? Separate accounts? Who will pay the bills? Which ones go to which of you for payment? Do you have a problem with her making more money than you? Does she? Will she lose respect for you if you're not making enough money? Are you both responsible or spendy? Can you save? Do you actually do it? Bottom line here is, you have to live within your means and you have to figure out how to do it. And if either of you have wealthy parents, remember, taking handouts from them can have a tendency to damage your self-respect. Tread carefully with money throughout your marriage. Also, talk about debt and what kinds of debt are tolerable to you both, if any.

-School. If either of you are not done with school, are you going to try to finish after you're married? Before? Are both of you willing to endure the crap involved in supporting the other in the meantime? I sweartagawd, finish school before you have kids at least. Preferably before you get married but . . . .

-Career. Can have an effect on where you live, mostly. In other words, is the career of one of you going to interfere with the ability of the other to pursue a different career. But if one of you is in a dangerous career, ie. Cop, Firefighter, Crossing Guard (j/k!) will that cause a problem with the other of you?

-Friends. Do you like each other's friends? Are you planning to hang out with each other's friends? Will she start bad-mouthing your buds? You hers? Always remember who's side you're on if you get into an argument about your friends or hers.

-Family. When you marry her, you marry her whole family, usually. Even if you don't like 'em. That's okay, just make sure you both realize there could be differences. Again, remember who's side you're on if disagreements occur. Also, how close to them are you willing to live? If yours and hers are across the state or country, which family will you live close to, hers or yers? Or neither?

-Living (Where?) Southern California is great! I highly recommend it! ;-) Seriously, talk about this, too.

-Housekeeping. Are either of you slobs? Who gets to clean house? If the one of you who stays home with the kids is a messy house keeper, is that going to be a huge problem for the other? Sounds like a stupid question but when you come home to a sink full of dishes, and it really pisses you off, it makes it tough to get past other things that come up. Remember, a maid can save your marriage! ;-)

-Pre-marital counselling. Go get it. You need to know how to effectively communicate with each other. We didn't do this until we had been married about two years and it nearly cost us a great marriage. 'nuff said about that.

-Prenup. Someone suggested this before and if you have significant assets at this point, it is well worth it to get one. But if you're both dirt poor like we were when we married don't waste your $$$. It won't help you in any way. Bear in mind, ANYTHING can go into a prenup including all the stuff above.

-Live together first. I usually suggest that people live together for five years first. But do what you think is best. You'll know the time in any case!
Obviously, you don't have to talk about all this stuff in one big jam session but over the course of your engagement, hash all of this crap out. It made a HUGE difference in our marriage.
And what others have said before is very true: The first year will be tough. Actually, for us, the first year was pretty good, the second was pure hell and after we finally got the counselling we should have gotten before our marriage, we have done better and better since. I've noticed that the majority of the divorces I know of personally happened in about the third or fourth year.

Get advice from people. If you think the above is bunk I won't be the least offended 'cause it's just my opinion, of course, but find someone you DO trust to give you the advice you think you need.

Lastly, I WHOLEHEARTEDLY second the motion of eloping. Take the money you would have paid for a wedding reception and run off the Vegas or Atlantic City and get hitched with a couple of close friends in tow. The smaller the better. We were married in a pastor's office at 10:30pm on a Tuesday night with 6 family members in attendance. Perfect!

--Wag--

Driving test, part II

Failed it. Drat.

Stay tuned!

--Wag--

Driving Test

Today is the day. CA DMV requires a driving test before they issue a motorcycle license. So, I'm going out at noon to do that test.

Apparently, you have to drive around some cones, etc. etc. Just demonstrating that you can handle your motorcycle. Problem is, the cone test allegedly has the cones placed pretty close together and according to everyone I've talked to, it can't be done on the bigger bikes, such as the one I bought recently. (See my "Dang" post below.)

But, since I didn't locate a smaller bike for rent anywhere, I'm pretty much stuck with my 'Busa and the little bit of parking lot practice I engaged in over the past couple of weeks with my learner's permit.

Wish me luck!

--Wag--