You selfish bastard.

Yeah, occasionally, people think I'm a selfish bastard. Some of my friends are also called selfish bastards and so we started talking about this topic one day a few weeks ago.

It seems that the issue is not whether or not someone is actually selfish. In truth, it's nearly impossible to know if someone is generous and compassionate because we can't read minds. Unless you see them do something nice for someone, you simply don't know. Even then, it's questionable as I'll discuss below. If they tell you they did something nice, then you can probably tell if they are being generous. More likely, someone else may tell you that a third person has done something generous.

Really though, what we see most frequently are people who are all bent out of shape because they believe that someone ELSE should be less selfish and give of themselves or their means. That's pretty judgmental, frankly, but what's even more amazing is how often those same people who are calling for the generosity of others are the same ones who are not wiling to be generous of themselves!

Hypocrisy at its best.

It's said on every airplane prior to the flight: "Secure your own oxygen mask FIRST before securing your own." This rule holds true in real life, too. If you have nothing to give, you may very well be as unselfish as anyone, but you just don't have it to give. Add to that the idea that if you harm yourself in your effort to help another, you have had a net effect of zero or less. Actions which are harmful to yourself are quite often less than helpful to the other person as well.

Yes, we hear stories of people who are killed while helping another person and it is said that they truly gave everything. I have no problem with that. It's honorable to help another person, even at the risk of your own life. What's not honorable is for someone ELSE to ask you to do it and castigate you if you don't. I suspect that if someone does help another person, they are often hoping that they are able to give aid AND preserve their own life and means. There is nothing wrong with wanting to preserve yourself in the process of helping another and foregoing the opportunity if circumstances demand it.

Money is a big one. How often do family and friends ask you for financial assistance in one form or another? I strongly suggest that if you have no money of your own to give, if you are in debt yourself, if you don't have the means to provide, you are jeopardizing your own well-being to help the other person. I'm not talking about a guy borrowing $20 for lunch money. I'm talking about the family member who asks you to help them make a couple of car payments or take a wayward child into your home to live, etc. If you bear that expense for them and put yourself in a lurch and can't cover your own living costs, where is the value in that? That is a critical question. What value is there in jeopardizing your well-being to help another person?

If you decide, however, that you're going to refrain from damaging your own security and you withhold the aid that is requested of you, how often does that individual, along with his or her friends and family, consider you a selfish prick? It happens all the time, often to the point of the loss of relatiionships. I suspect that most often when you're accused in such a way, it's when you have the appearance of means on the surface when in reality, you may not be doing as well as others might believe. Indeed, if someone is going to ask you for help, frequently, they have an overblown sense in their minds about what YOU have and what you should do with your resources.

We're not even going to talk about the idea that sometimes, the help you give is much more detrimental than helpful. That's a whole 'nother blog post!

Money is not the only thing, either. Time or Possessions. How often do you get asked to loan your car to someone who's just had their car repossessed? If it's YOUR only or primary means of transportation, or a substantial part of your personal resources, are you jeopardizing your well-being by loaning it out? It's not only possible, it's even quite likely. If you can afford to bear the potential loss, Great! Do as you will. But if you don't have the ability or the means to bear that loss, then you are not necessarily selfish by withholding, regardless of the accusations which could be levied upon you by others who claim a higher morality.

In other words, there are those who cannot see beyond the mark and who would be just fine with everyone being completely unselfish and all of us being completely useless to each other because we have all expended all of our resources in order to give aid and assistance to each other in a personally irresponsible way.

Be assured, I'm all in favor of helping people. I'm an advocate of assisting those in need. Of giving of yourself and your means. Giving a guy $5 worth of gas at the pump even though his story is likely B.S. is a good thing. Helping a family member with $100 to get him through the week is a good thing too. Allowing someone to move in with you while they get back on their feet post-tragic-job-loss.

BUT!!!

Only when you're able to do so without compromising your own security in life. Withholding such things is no crime if you have valid reasons and no other person can tell you what any of those reasons should be. Nor can they look into your heart and mind and arrive at any sort of understanding about why you may have said, "No."

There are many unselfish people out there who would give if they had the means to do so. Unfortunately, they are often guilt-tripped into doing more than they are truly able to do. They put themselves into debt in order to resolve the debts of others. They give up their pensions, retirements, short-term savings, marital security and other security in order to bail out the other person.

No, it's not easy to say no. But often, it's better to say no than to give unthinkingly. Again, bordering on a discussion for another post but definitely something to think about. Sometimes, it's better to say no.

Returning to the original premise, it's important to realize that the ONLY person who can judge your generosity is you. Nobody else can look into your heart and see what it is that makes you decide to help another person or not. Nobody but you is able to know what your circumstances are and why you decide to help or why you decide that now is not the time.

A tangential part of this discussion lies with those who I would consider, "selfishly generous." These are the people who only give when they have some way to benefit from it. They expect a return for their generosity. I'm not saying that giving to another and expecting something is return is entirely bad. It happens all the time and it's a normal part of bartering in real life. So long as it's agreed upon up front, there is no issue. Generosity can benefit both people.

Here's an example of what I'm talking about when I say, "selfishly generous." A mother or father gives up a wad of cash only because they feel guilty that their child is suffering financially. They give unthinkingly, without considering the potential harm to themselves, then walk away feeling like a million bucks! They solved the problem! What's wrong with this is that they didn't solve the problem they professed to solve. They only solved the problem of their OWN feelings of guilt, inadequacy, etc. Their desire was not motivated by wanting to help their kid, they only looked at it as an opportunity to bandage their own hurting soul.

You could call it, "lazy generosity." An unthinking gift may do no good. Indeed, it may do more harm than good. The point though, is that it is not especially generous. It is, in fact, selfish of a person to give to another with no thought of helping but only of covering up some hurting feeling within. Equally disingenuous is helping without considering the long-term effects of what such, "help," will be.

How do you know the difference? If you're giving only to appease the critical masses (family, friends, church people, etc.) and because of the pressure they are putting upon you, then you're not being generous. Do a reality check and make absolutely sure you're not helping just because you feel guilty for NOT doing so. Make sure that when you give, you're not expecting some personal benefit or compensation or repayment in return. (I know people who say that if you help someone now, chances are very good that you'll be able to rely on that person for help in the future if you need it. Kind of like making a deposit into a charity bank account or something!)

If you are genuinely interested in giving help to another, be absolutely sure you give a great deal of thought into what the long-term benefits will be. In a short-term emergency, there may be more room for erring in the side of caution but if you've played out the scenario in your mind ahead of time, you should be able to think clearly without emotion clouding your judgment. Make sure the help you give is not motivated by the fear of the haranguing by others you are sure will come your way. Consider the possibility that the kind of help you're giving is the best help possible. It could be that even though someone is asking for money, it may not be the most helpful thing for that individual or for those circumstances.

There is much more to be said on this subject, no doubt. I may return and re-edit.

--Wag--