Wedding advice

For those of you about to get married, here are some suggestions. I sent this off to another individual elsewhere who is about to get married. He seemed to have a good head on his shoulders and that's a good thing. The idea here is to get people thinking and talking to each other. You'd be amazed at how often people rush into marriage without considering the whole proposition ( pun intended! ;) ) with some intelligence. I'm constantly amazed at how many couples are getting naked together or planning to get naked together but they can't seem to disucss important issues with each other.

Here you go!

Congrats, Bud! I've been married 15 years, myself. Here's how we did it:

Start off on the right foot. Talk about and plan EVERYTHING with her before you actually tie the knot. Here's the short list:

-Kids. Will you or won't you and how many? Will one of you stay home and raise 'em while the other works? Why or why not? If one of you wants kids and the other doesn't, don't do it! Especially if she wants 'em and you don't. We don't have kids but that's a long story. Bottom line is, to have kids requires you to change your lifestyle drastically. How do ALL of the below topics et al relate to having kids?

-Sex. How often? How kinky? What fantasies have you not fulfilled? Is she rockin' your world? Are you rockin' hers? Will she do the ol' bait-and-switch on you and cut you off after the wedding cake is cut up? Ask her, brother! Make sure those things are fixed BEFORE you tie the knot! Decide in advance what kinds of things are off limits to each of you and decide how to experiment with each other.

-Money. Joint accounts? Separate accounts? Who will pay the bills? Which ones go to which of you for payment? Do you have a problem with her making more money than you? Does she? Will she lose respect for you if you're not making enough money? Are you both responsible or spendy? Can you save? Do you actually do it? Bottom line here is, you have to live within your means and you have to figure out how to do it. And if either of you have wealthy parents, remember, taking handouts from them can have a tendency to damage your self-respect. Tread carefully with money throughout your marriage. Also, talk about debt and what kinds of debt are tolerable to you both, if any.

-School. If either of you are not done with school, are you going to try to finish after you're married? Before? Are both of you willing to endure the crap involved in supporting the other in the meantime? I sweartagawd, finish school before you have kids at least. Preferably before you get married but . . . .

-Career. Can have an effect on where you live, mostly. In other words, is the career of one of you going to interfere with the ability of the other to pursue a different career. But if one of you is in a dangerous career, ie. Cop, Firefighter, Crossing Guard (j/k!) will that cause a problem with the other of you?

-Friends. Do you like each other's friends? Are you planning to hang out with each other's friends? Will she start bad-mouthing your buds? You hers? Always remember who's side you're on if you get into an argument about your friends or hers.

-Family. When you marry her, you marry her whole family, usually. Even if you don't like 'em. That's okay, just make sure you both realize there could be differences. Again, remember who's side you're on if disagreements occur. Also, how close to them are you willing to live? If yours and hers are across the state or country, which family will you live close to, hers or yers? Or neither?

-Living (Where?) Southern California is great! I highly recommend it! ;-) Seriously, talk about this, too.

-Housekeeping. Are either of you slobs? Who gets to clean house? If the one of you who stays home with the kids is a messy house keeper, is that going to be a huge problem for the other? Sounds like a stupid question but when you come home to a sink full of dishes, and it really pisses you off, it makes it tough to get past other things that come up. Remember, a maid can save your marriage! ;-)

-Pre-marital counselling. Go get it. You need to know how to effectively communicate with each other. We didn't do this until we had been married about two years and it nearly cost us a great marriage. 'nuff said about that.

-Prenup. Someone suggested this before and if you have significant assets at this point, it is well worth it to get one. But if you're both dirt poor like we were when we married don't waste your $$$. It won't help you in any way. Bear in mind, ANYTHING can go into a prenup including all the stuff above.

-Live together first. I usually suggest that people live together for five years first. But do what you think is best. You'll know the time in any case!
Obviously, you don't have to talk about all this stuff in one big jam session but over the course of your engagement, hash all of this crap out. It made a HUGE difference in our marriage.
And what others have said before is very true: The first year will be tough. Actually, for us, the first year was pretty good, the second was pure hell and after we finally got the counselling we should have gotten before our marriage, we have done better and better since. I've noticed that the majority of the divorces I know of personally happened in about the third or fourth year.

Get advice from people. If you think the above is bunk I won't be the least offended 'cause it's just my opinion, of course, but find someone you DO trust to give you the advice you think you need.

Lastly, I WHOLEHEARTEDLY second the motion of eloping. Take the money you would have paid for a wedding reception and run off the Vegas or Atlantic City and get hitched with a couple of close friends in tow. The smaller the better. We were married in a pastor's office at 10:30pm on a Tuesday night with 6 family members in attendance. Perfect!

--Wag--