What a marriage is NOT.

I've been married nearly 16 years. To the same woman, even! Our perspective on marriage, however, has changed radically in the past few years with the fortuitous opening of our minds on the realities of life as opposed to the dogmas of our upbringing. I'm fairly confident that Ms. Wag's views of marriage parallel my own but for the sake of discussion, these are strictly my own opinions.

First off, what is marriage? It's NOT a commitment of two people to each other, despite what the religions would have you believe. Commitment comes long before any marriage. What marriage IS is a contract between two people and a third party, usually the state government in this country. Sometimes, the third party is a religion or the religion and state are adjuncts to each other. In any case, the state and religion often work together, each for the interests of the other. And not necessarily for the benefit of the couple.

Marriage is the formation of a corporation. Once the corporation is formed, then it must follow certain rules. Granted, the majority of those rules don't come into play on a day-to-day basis. The huge majority of those rules don't come into play except for two very important occasions: Dissolution of the marriage through death or divorce and second, any business relating to children. Only one of those two circumstances really justify a marriage contract. Keep calling it a contract because that's exactly what it is, if you really think about it.

So what's the big deal? My opinion is that there is only ONE reason to get married. That is, if the couple decides to have children. For one thing, all of the benefits of marriage accruing to a couple with no kids can all be accomplished with a few simple legal documents. A will, a medical directive, a trust, etc. etc. Not too difficult to set that up. Indeed, a gay couple can derive all marital benefits (these days, at least) by some careful crafting of legal documentation. Costs more than a simple marriage in a cleric's office but hey; it can be done, and rather easily, too.

Children, on the other hand, derive a great number of benefits when their parents are married as opposed to not married. Granted, attorneys can put together docs to secure many of those same benefits with no marriage, however, it's FAR more expensive and complex and there are some holes which can't be plugged as easily, if at all, as it is when there is a marriage certificate on file at the recorder's office. Marriage automatically fills in all those gaps to ensure that a child has all the possible benefits of two parents in the home, an ongoing benefit upon dissolution of marriage and an assurance that care will be given if at all possible. Some of those benefits are lost if their parents aren't married.

A couple without children does NOT gain enough benefit in a formal marriage to justify it. Sure, the woman gets a little greater measure of personal security but really, is a couple's relationship any greater or more secure because they have a paper with the signature of an preacher and/or the county clerk on it? Does a formalized marriage make a couple more committed to each other by some magical means? The answer based in reality is a simple, yet resounding NO.

Granted, a ceremony of devotion in front of friends and loved ones is an excellent idea. I think it's a great affirmation of love. I think people should do such a ceremony. But to get the law involved does nothing to make the relationship more loving or more devoted or to bring the couple closer together or for longer, etc.

And yeah, if I could dissuade people from marriage, I would. Except, of course, if they are going to have kids. If a couple wanted kids, I'd press for a marriage contract at all costs!

If I were to go back and do it again, knowing we weren't going to have kids, I wouldn't get married. If I lose my wife somehow, I won't remarry but I'll seek the same loving relationship I have with Ms. Wag in the arms of another woman. My wife would want it that way and if the tables were turned, I'd want it that way for her. Our relationship is secure, with or without that signature. We have it, because of our past upbringing, though I couldn't easily locate it at the moment! Funny, actually. I've never even verified that it's properly recorded. I really don't care, anyway. It's a meaningless document regardless. What is meaningful is that I love her and she loves me. We know who we're going home to every night and we have no fears of any jeopardy to our relationship which we feel would be secured more fully by having a marriage certificate on file with the state.

Love demands no such outside affirmation.

--Wag--