A letter to a new mom.

I sent the following e-mail to my cousin, J. today. It came from the heart and I thought it usefully exposed another layer to my feelings about the birth of my new "nephew" 02/14. This was sent in response to an e-mail from her.

--Wag--

P.S. Yes, I know that R. is not my nephew, he is my first cousin once removed, as J. informed me! Still, I'm lazy and it's easier to refer to him as a nephew!

J,

You're cute! It's nearly impossible to put myself into your shoes given the radical changes you're having now. Picturing you as a mother is something I haven't done yet. I've still thought of you as the same fun-loving, party animal we've come to love and enjoy in the recent years. Nevertheless, I hope the mommy side of you will still let the plaything out from time to time. We out here in the sandbox still need a J. fix from time to time! ;-)

I wrote in my blog something about the fact R.'s birth and the fact that I was there for it has changed me in some fundamental way which I can't put my finger on.

What I hadn't considered in depth until reading your e-mail is that it has most assuredly changed you and D. as well. And FAR more drastically than it changed me. It has to have changed how you think about yourself, just you you say. I can't even begin to comprehend how that is. It's one thing to consider how I look at you but I'm fascinated with how your view of yourself has been changed. Also, D.'s perspective about himself and about you as well. Your e-mail has overwhelmed me as I consider how you both must have had changes to your views of your inner selves.

Some other thoughts I had as we talked the other night. In a radical sense, you're doing things backwards from how "everyone else" does them. Many couples have children early in life, WAY before they're really ready to have that kind of responsibility. Indeed, in the VAST majority of cases, it seems couples or mothers have kids completely IR-responsibly. It makes for more sad times than joyous ones in families with an immature mother and father (if there's a father around after the sperm-donor stage) trying to be parents when they haven't finished being kids yet.

I look at you and D. and I admire the fact that you've made the decision to have a child and that you did so with careful consideration and deliberation. Not to mention all the effort you put into maximizing his health in the process. The responsible way in which you've gone about this is a demonstration of a purer love than I've encountered in the past.

I suppose N. and I did the same thing: Approached the idea of children in the home with a sense of responsibility and with a determination of what is going to be best for a little one. Ultimately, we concluded that it would be best to not have kids but truth be told, had we not encountered obstructions along the way, we would be the irresponsible parents with kids we can't handle and wondering how we got ourselves into that mess.

Well, you've done more than I could have hoped for. I doubt that at this point, I could improve on anything you've done. You've had a child later in life but frankly, you're older and more mature and you have a greater sense of responsibility than you would have had ten or fifteen years ago. Full kudos to you. That all applies equally to D., as you know.

I can't tell you enough how much I admire the two of you. Thanks for including us in your lives.

All my love,

--Wag--