"A," is 19 or so years old. On occasion, we have cause to e-mail each other and the resulting conversations can be rather thought-provoking. Since the provocation of thought is both the purpose and the cause of this blog, I thought I'd post this here.
Background is simple. She's a VERY sharp kid but she's having trouble finding motivation and direction in her life. In that context, see what you think of this.
Wag
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From: A
How’s it going? Happy Tuesday!
I am taking my Notary Public test this Sat. – very excitable!
Lol
I have a new plan for college – I am going to do small little things like this Notary thing and next semester I am trying to get enrolled in Massage Therapy and then I am going to take Culinary Arts and get my Real Estate lic.
So I figure that as long as I am jerking off in college I might as well accomplish something useful.
And I think that small accomplishments along the way regarding things I enjoy and can get use out of will make the whole experience less discouraging.
--A
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From: Wag
Excellent. If I need you to notarize some stuff, I'll bring it on over. Assuming your rates are comptetitive, of course!
Massage Therapy? That might be good. Make sure they teach you how to avoid Carpal Tunnel / RSD problems. Use your feet and elbows. LOL
Real Estate. Good pick. Easiest low-paid work, hardest high-paid work. As with any sales position. You'll do well if you put your mind to it.
Jerking off. I sincerely hope you're not equipped for that. Unless you're jerking off someone else! (I know, that's bad!)
Accomplishments are important. I have trouble staying focused on any one thing long enough to get really good at it. Though I did VERY intensive piano work for many years. Probably the greatest of my accomplishments. I just get very bored with things very quickly.
You and I have a similar problem: We're both highly intelligent and when we start on a new adventure, it's always very easy at first which makes it fun and exciting. If we don't get bored right away, we last long enough to get very frustrated with it as it grows more difficult (read that, "we have to start really working at it") and we eventually abandon our original quest in favor of the next new and exciting thing which comes along. I'm still trying to change my habit and build up some persistence/perseverance/discipline to avoid this fundamental character flaw in the future. I'm twice as old as you but I think I'm ahead of the game a little just by understanding it at this point. Wish I'd understood it when I was 20.
Of course, I may be completely full of shit! Something to think about, nonetheless
In any case, keep me posted. You're a sharp cookie and your adventures interest me a great deal.
--Wag--
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From: A
Nope – you are right on. I am on a mission right now (for the last week or so). Been doing a lot of thinking and that is one of the conclusions I came to – things I have to work at PISS ME OFF!
Lol
So that is why I am going to do these little easier things. And I am switching my major to Communications. I am going to make myself accomplish stuff whether I like it or not! I am tired of being so lazy – but I don’t know how to fix myself so I will have to work with it for now, ya know?
And thanks for always listening about my nonsense. I really appreciate your input.
--A
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From: Wag
It isn't nonsense. Self-evaluation is a critical component to making personal change. Good for you for realizating it.
Also, you aren't lazy. I used to worry about that a lot regarding myself. Coincidentally, a month or two ago, someone told me I'm not lazy, just unmotivated. (Or somehow, I came to that conclusion; I think someone pointed it out to me.)
The problem isn't laziness, the problem is finding out A) what you're good at and B) what you're passionate about. You're probably good at several things. Such is the case with me. I'm very good at several things but not exceptional at any of them. The reason I'm not exceptional is, as I said in the last e-mail, it's tough to keep myself focused. I think that's because I've never done anything which drives me passionately for "the duration."
I also enjoy doing several things and all too frequently allow myself to get distracted by one thing while I'm working on or enjoying another.
What do you enjoy doing? Actively doing? (Watching movies or sports or other passive couch-potato things doesn't count.) What you enjoy doing is what you need to get involved in up to your ears. I'm still trying to figure out what it is that I enjoy doing enough to think about it for a large percentage of my day. Something that nags at me to go and do all the time, throughout the day.
So far, nothing comes to mind. But I haven't given up. Something will grab me and hold me, give me a vision which I can't refuse. It won't matter, then, whether or not I make any money at it, I'll be driven from within.
At least, I hope so!
If, for some reason, I start boring you with all this, just say so and I'll shut the hell up. LOL
--Wag--
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From: A
I think that what I really like to do is to take care of people. I know that prob sounds way retarded. Not like sick people – but just on a daily basis. I keep complaining that every boyfriend I have turns me into their mom, but I think I do it myself.
Aside from that, I like to organize things, I like to clean things (don’ t tell my parents), I like finding the most efficient way of doing things. I have actually semi-seriously entertained the idea of being a housekeeper or cleaner or whatever you want to call it. I don’t know what that stuff amounts to though – haven’t found anything that really makes me feel passionate except for babies and they scare the hell out of me.
--A
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[Several days go by]
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From: Wag
I'm not avoiding this response. Just want to make it as right as possible.
Nothing at all wrong with taking care of people. On the other hand, you have to be sure you don't do more harm than good. It's a real risk for people of your nature. You may find you have a tendency to do too much. Are you a person who will help the baby bird out of its eggshell? Help the butterfly out of it's cocoon? Damage them permanently because of your misplaced good intentions and misinformed concept of what help really is? Something to think about. My father-in-law is one of those people.
Also, are you the type who will help someone else at the expense of your own well-being? Equally disastrous. Again, my father-in-law who has given money to so many people that he's had extreme financial difficulties because of it. Not good. He just can't bring himself to say no. Was it Danny Cox or Jim Rohn who said, "You can't help someone unless you're on higher ground."
It's easy to turn down a stranger who asks for help. They won't bother you again. It's just as easy to give them a couple of bucks and for the same reason. But a relative or some other loved one? If you give them help, they keep coming back. If you turn them down, they might even keep coming back but they'll slander you six ways to Sunday with everyone else you love. (Obviously, exceptions do apply.)
Rather thought-provoking, especially if we take it out of the realm of money and finance and into the realm of personalities, emotion, love and relationships. How much do we help? Or not?
Do you agree with everything your friends say as they repeatedly whine and complain to you about the same ol' problems over and over again? They think you're being supportive but are you really? I started telling "friends" I didn't want to hear about it any more. What I wanted to hear was how they had solved the last problems they dumped on me and what they learned in the process. Not surprisingly, MOST of these people I haven't heard from in a long time. They don't like it when you hold them responsible for themselves and their actions. They aren't happy unless they are crying and whining. And they do nothing to solve their problems.
Like I said, I have a new set of friends now . . . !
Another possibility to consider. Do you like to take care of people because you're genuinely interested in their well-being? Or are you merely enthralled with the idea of making them love you? I found that out about myself quite some time ago. Externally and to myself, I had successfully projected the image of caring and concern for others. One of the more masterful self-deceptions I ever foisted upon me! What I was really doing was selfishly seeking the approval of others. I wanted them to worship the ground I walked on. Though I wasn't doing it with money, I was trying to "buy" a bunch of friends. I wanted to hear them say how wonderful I was. I'm not saying I believe YOU are like this but it might be worth checking.
Take that kind of introspection to the cleaning thing. I'm messy all the time but I like the activity of getting things cleaned up and organized. Not because I'm neat and organized by nature but because I like the PROCESS of getting something done. Afterwards, I enjoy the sense of accomplishment. You may believe you enjoy the idea of cleaning people's homes but is it that? Or is it something deeper? Again, worth a self-check!!!!
As a kid, I absolutely HATED doing work or chores or whatever for my parents around the house. But I would go to the neighbor's and slave away for hours on end, do a fantastic job of it, and walk away having refused whatever pay they may have offered me. Why? Because they would express their appreciation to me whereas my parents expected it of us and would get angry if we didn't perform for them. Of course, we would do a crappy job for them, doing as little as we could get away with because it was always highly unpleasant to do. To this day, I don't work as well for myself as I do for other people because the sense of accomplishment comes from another person, externally. I have a lot harder time getting a sense of satisfaction and achievement from within. And I'm still messy, to this day!
I'm gettting too windy here. Time to wrap this up! LOL
Having said all of that, there is NOTHING retarded with loving to take care of people. Whatever you love doing should engender no fear of what others think of it. A dream is a dream, a love is a love. Here's one way to think of it: Ever see two people totally in love but one of them is a complete physical disaster? Ugly, unattractive, mis-shapen? Ever think to yourself, "What a waste! That person's mate can do MUCH better than that!" But the attractive one is not concerned in the least with your thoughts of their relationship because they love each other. The same is true with you and your dreams and desires. If you truly love them, you're not worried about how others feel about your desires. You don't worry if they believe your loves are retarded or not.
There is no such thing as a higher calling above that which you love doing the most. If you're doing what you love, you are doing the greatest thing you can possibly do. So go for it! Do what it takes to learn about your loves and dreams and how best to accomplish them. Find out how to get motivated to do it and how to get past the times when you get discouraged when the road is tough. How to rise above the challenges which come your way. If you don't know how to do these things already, now's the time to learn how!
Whattaya think?
--Wag--
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From: A
I do not think that I am someone who inadvertently hurts other people with good intentions. I am pretty honest and I have no problem repeatedly offering my best advice (whether or not it is taken). I am a kind of counselor for a lot of my friends. –not that I don’t also utilize their services in that department – but I usually already know what I am going to do. I like taking care of people in ways like remembering their appointments for them, their prescriptions, their chores, requests, making them feel loved. I pretty much turn into a secretary/calendar/mom/girlfriend whenever I get into a relationship.
I no longer help to the point of self-destruction (once was enough for me) but I do go way out of my way for people who matter when necessary. I don’t really have very many friends, but that doesn’t bother me – I like the ones I do have and that is what matters I think.
I KNOW that the reason I like cleaning is b/c of the process – I like watching things get clean and being the cause of the process, making things organized and neat and dirt-free (I don’t know why – I am sure there is some psychological theory that I could probably guess, but whatever, don’t want to go there) – I am a total slob with my stuff (although that is getting better too) but will clean B’s house till it sparkles. Oddly (or maybe predictably) enough, I get mad if he doesn’t demonstrate his approval, euphoric when his room mate does, but when I stay at his parents house with him, or at my house (when I actually clean) or my friend’s houses I just do it because I like the process and I don’t mind if nobody says anything.
I do like the approval of others (maybe too much). And I have examined this in depth. I do a lot of things for reactions, reinforcement. And you are right on about the family thing – when it is expected it is nowhere near as rewarding. But I am in the process of getting over that right now I hope. I have become much more family oriented in the last little while.
--A
From: Wag
A, you're okay in my book. Stay excellent, always!
--Wag--
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