Depression

A mini-essay I wrote some months ago in response to an individual who had a family member suffering from depression.

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Regarding depression, I am a firm believer in a number of things about it. These beliefs have evolved over time and may evolve further. However, I can say that looking back on my own bout with manic depression and the subsequent bouts with uber severe depression I know how it worked on me. It is undoubtedly different in many respects for other people but some of my thoughts below may ring true for those who read them.

Over time, depressive thinking may actually cause the chemistry in the brain to get into the "habit" of functioning in depression mode all the time. It requires meds to get out of this mode and get the brain back into the "habit" of being 'postively' charged with 'positive' chemistry. By the way, that's an analogy not a statement of the good humors of quack medicine.

For me, a drug called nomifensine maleate (sold under the brand name Merital, and don't ask me why I remember any of those three words after all this time!) was what kicked me back into "positive" mode in 1986. It was withdrawn from the U.S. by the FDA because a major side-effect is anemia, among others. I took the drug for about three months and it really did do the trick. Got my brain chems back in order. Made it so I could start to think again.

I was also in counselling during that time and although the counselling itself didn't ring any big bells with me, it did keep me thinking about making improvements and focusing on "getting better." Regrettably, it was during my mission for a cult religion so there were several concepts about depression which because of that cult, I couldn't conceive of until many years later. Much of what I'm writing here is from hindsight into my own depressive dynamics and the things it took to heal me of it.

First off, I believe wholeheartedly that being a member of said cult was what caused my depression. In it, failure is on the menu of emotions every hour of every day. You can only fail so many times before you believe that NOTHING you do will ever amount to anything worthwhile. After suffering defeat after defeat at the tempting hands of an imaginary Satan, you finally realize life is not going to amount to anything for you, nothing you do is ever going to be good enough and you're NEVER going to make it to see god.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Well, you're not going to go see god but that's because he isn't there, not because you're a shithead or a fuck up! LMAO!

Of course, all of that leads to despair and depression and eventually, in my case, suicide or attempted suicide. How many times have you seen people attempt suicide when it appears, externally, that they have everything going for them? Health, intelligence, money, apparent happiness, apparent familial love and affection. The works. How could a guy with all of those things commit suicide? Those of us who are or have been depressed understand all too well.

How to overcome it? Well, the drugs are a must. The counselling is also a must during the course of the drugs and possibly afterwards. I will say this about counselling, however. It must be with a quality counsellor. Notice I didn't say "qualified." The degrees on the wall are meaningless, as far as I can tell. The term quality is used VERY deliberately. Someone who is going to make you take responsibility for your own depression and the cure of it. NOT someone who is going to just dope you up and exclusively rely on drugs to "cure" you. It takes effort on your part and an extreme sense of responsibility for yourself.

It also requires belief. Or more specifically, a change of belief. A necessary attitude change will come with deliberate effort and the proper use of anti-depressants. But changing beliefs is critical, in my opinion for overcoming depression.

For example, cult religions teach you you're a failure and you're worthless. I say, it is OKAY to have failures in life and that such failures are NOT what make you worthless. Everyone fails from time to time but the guys who stay in failure mode get depressed. OR, they were depressed to begin with and they can't deal with the failure in a normal, mature, adult fashion. Failure is a learning experience and dealing with it is a skill that can be learned. But having a failure is NOT a reason to stop living or to stop feeling good about oneself. Do you believe this? You should. It's true.

Small failings do not matter. Cults teach people that every little sin is a major enough sin to keep you out from god. That would destroy the hopes of anyone who took it seriously. It sure did for me. "What if I forget to repent of some little thing I did when I was 9 years old?" Gag me. It's a waste of effort and a waste of energy. And very depressing, to say the least. If you wake up in the morning and sit around watching DVD's or watching daytime T.V. all day, yeah it was a wasted day. So what? No reason not to get moving the next day and do some other productive things. You set goals as a way of planning and thinking ahead. Not so you can use a list of failed activities to beat yourself up later! I see people do it all the time. "I can't get anything done." "Nothing ever works out for me." So? That's life. You keep plugging and stop worrying about the little momentary losses of self-discipline. They don't matter all that much and what's in the past is in the past. Shut up to yourself about it.

You also have to believe it's okay for life to happen. In fact, if it isn't happening, that is something to be depressed about. Okay, that was too circular but you probably get my drift!

You have to believe it is okay to feel good about your successes. Cults teach you that if you had a success of some kind it was because of God, not because you're a good person or because you're smart or because you worked hard. "Pride goeth before a fall." That is a load of crap. If you accomplish some thing, take pride in it. It is okay. Believe me! It's true! You don't have to go boasting about it to everyone but if the opportunity arises to tell of your experiences, go ahead! There is nothing wrong with being a success. In fact, there is everything right about being a success. And remember, little successes are just as wonderful as big successes. Just because you didn't make a million bucks last year, doesn't mean your success at getting a good grade in a school class is NOT worth celebrating. Celebrate, goddammit! It is a good thing WORTH celebrating!

Those are some things that come to mind just brainstorming at the moment. There are plenty of other things I will likely think of and if I do, I'll bring them up also. The bottom line is, you have to make your own healing work. Depression is one of those things which has to be done with a lot of work. Some people can never get off the anti-depressants. That's okay too. Just keep taking them and let them do their job. If you can get off of them, fine but do so very carefully and WITH the advice of your counseller. Ultimately, however, drugs or not, you are going to have to take the bull by the horns to make your life work. It's your responsibility.

And within your reach.

--Wag--